Let’s make a deal: BFW style! The report says he knows the prices Bayern Munich are asking for the players.


As transfer rumors inundate us, Sky have stepped up to try to determine the asking prices for the players that Bayern Munich: presumably — has for sale.

Whether you believe the rumors or not, Sky has the magic numbers for those Bayern Munich players most linked with a departure from The Recordmeister.

So… we did this… Let’s do a BFW (transfer) deal!


Announcer: Welcome everyone to BFW’s new game show, “Let’s Make a (Transfer) Deal!”

(C.Smith runs out of the backstage drinking a beer and wearing one of those pale blue Dumb and Dumber tuxedos)

CS: I’ll be your host for today’s show! Let’s get straight to the point and meet our contestants. First of all, this guy is best known for his status as the leader of the #MüllerMafia, his dislike for Benjamin Pavard and once the Daily Mail featured him in an article… he’s Ineednoname!

INNN: Wow… you really have hair!

CS: Next, this guy likes to make everyone think he’s British, he loves Liverpool (the crowd is vociferously booing!), and was listed as one of Connecticut’s most eligible bachelors in 2021….#EnglishTom Adaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaams!

ETA: It’s not a good idea to look down on Tommy Adams, mate.

CS: Okay, so, going third person from the start, let’s drop it again for BFW’s resident scouser! Finally, our last contestant likes to fall apart during Bayern losses and sometimes makes the emo version of Batman look bright and cheery.

TS: Why am I here? I should be burying my Hamit Altıntop kit in the backyard.

Let us begin! According to Darling, these are the asking prices of the players that Bayern Munich have (allegedly) put up for sale. To win, you must be as close to the number as possible without going over… and the winner of this competition will be this vacation in… Lancaster County, Pennsylvania… the home of Dutch wonderland, Christian Pulisic, where Marcus Iredahl once posed with the Intercourse, PA sign (we have proof of this) when he was like 10, and the Amish mob!

(Crowd oohs and aahs)

CS: Alright contestants, let’s start the competition… ARE YOU… READY?

(crowd roars)

INNN: (no response…texting a lady…what a sneaky dog)

ETA: “I’m in pieces!”

TS: “I’m not going to drown in this contest like Nagelsmann would!”

(crowd boos)

CS: Okay, contestants, how much would Bayern like to get for Robert Lewandowski?

INNN: At least 50 million euros.

ETA: 75 million pounds, mate.

CS: Uh, #EnglishTom, can you convert that to euros?

ETA: I don’t recognize the euro, mate.

CS: Teddy Son, and you?

TS: No amount is enough to prevent Bayern from falling into a black hole of despair.

CS: Very good then. The sky report says…Robert Lewandowski is available for at least 50 million euros. Ineednoname, you have won this round! Next, Marcel Sabitzer… how much do Bayern want for him?

INNN: 15 million euros.

ETA: £5 million.

CS: (shakes head in disgust)

TS: Why does it matter? Nagelsmann won’t play whoever we sign as his replacement!

CS: The Sky report says… Bayern want 15 million euros for Marcel Sabitzer! Ineednoname, you have won again! Congratulations, you are one step closer to achieving a great victory. Now we have Omar Riiiiiiiiiiiiichards!

(crowd laughs)

CS: #EnglishTom Adams, let’s start with you this time, and I hope you’ll be okay with using euros as currency here.

ETA: Damn, you’re crazy as a hatter, mate! £7 million.

CS: But… oh, never mind! Teddy Son, take him away.

TS: He was only here a year and barely played… how much could he be worth. Not as much as my Sebastian Deisler retro kit.

CS: (takes a shot of whiskey). Ineednoname, and you?

INNN: 10-12 million euros without a doubt in my mind.

CS: Sky’s report says…Omar Richards can be had for 10-12 million euros! Ineednoname, you have won again!

(Bell rings)

CS: Okay, we’re in the final round and Ineednoname has a substantial lead, but both #EnglishTom Adams and Teddy Son could still come back and steal the match if they can get the final answer. No pun intended… HEY-OOOOOOOO. Here we go… are you ready?

(audience roars)

CS: Contestants, what is the combined total Bayern Munich would like for Serge Gnabry, Benjamin Pavard and Bouna Sarr, plus each individual breakdown? You have 30 seconds, starting… NOW!

CS: Okay, pencils down! Teddy Son, let’s start with you!

TS: I didn’t answer because this game sucks and you are an idiot! (exits BFW studio)

(audience gasps)

CS: That’s unfortunate, #EnglishTom Adams, let’s move on to you.

ETA: This show is Sweet Fanny Adams, man. It’s garbage and you’ve lost the plot. You’re kidding me and I can’t take it anymore. (exits BFW studio)

CS: Again, unlucky and can’t tell if #EnglishTom is supposed to be British or a pirate. Ineednoname, well, let’s hear from you.

INNN: A total of 75 million euros. €40 million for Serge Gnabry, €30 million for Benjamin Pavard and €5 million for Bouna Sarr.

CS: That’s… (dramatic pause)… right! €40 million for Serge Gnabry, €30 million for Benjamin Pavard and €5 million for Bouna Sarr. You’ve won! Ineednoname is our great champion!

(The crowd roars, except for Benzeman who throws a tomato at him!)

CS; Ineednoname, how did you launch a perfect game today?

INNN: I read the article before the show that gets you high.

CS: Okay, well, that’s all for today! Have fun in Lancaster County! See you next time at BFW’s Let’s Make a (Transfer) Deal!”

(Yes, we needed a different ending theme)